Spare the ‘rotan’, spoil the child?

Shereen Williams

– August 28, 2009Posted in: Uncategorized

In this last week I’ve come across 2 very disturbing stories that really made me feel sick about the kind of cruelty children can inflict upon one another.

The first one was about a 5 year old girl who is battling cancer and was attacked by 2 boys who sprayed aerosol on her face and tried to set her alight….this was the second attack she had suffered.

The second one was about a 7 year old boy who was strung on a tree by a home-made noose by a group of slightly older boys.

Thankfully both these children’s lives were saved by timely intervention from passers-by.

After that feeling of sickness passed through me…I started getting really angry. I thought to myself, what is happening to the next generation that it seems acceptable to be carrying out acts of violence like these.

And yes trying to light a little girl on fire by spraying aerosol on her is not a game – it is an act of violence and if someone tells me that ‘oh they’re just kids who were having fun’ – i’d tell them to imagine if that little girl was your little sister, your daughter, your niece, your neighbour etc. You wouldn’t think that was funny would you.

It got me thinking about parenting styles and the issue of discipline.I’ll be honest, as a child I was smacked for misbehaving and yes the threat of the ‘rotan’ was the magic phrase that would get me and my brothers to stop misbehaving…..and the classic ‘you wait until your dad gets home’.

Modern parenting might view the ‘old school’ style as barbaric and a violation of the child’s rights..and god knows what else…at the end of the day my parents never did it in a cruel way nor was it abusive and last time I checked none of us ever thought hanging other kids using a home-made noose was a fun game and i’d like to think that all 4 of us have turned out to be fairly decent human beings.

I’m not saying beat your child senseless or anything along those lines – but at the end of the day when you take on the responsibility of becoming parents, you take on the responsibility of a child’s upbringing. You need to develop a parenting style that works best for you and your child. Some children just need a good talking to, for some a little rap with the ‘rotan’ might do wonders. Its important for children to understand that if you do something wrong, there will be consequences.

There’s now talk about how ’smacking your children’ might be banned by the authorities and I wonder if the ’state’ has a place in what happens in your home.

Could this ‘ban’ happen in Singapore sometime in the future?

What do you think?

*Note that this entry is based on UK press stories.

About the Author

Shereen Aziz-Williams, an accountancy graduate of SMU, has lived in Wales for the past 4 years. She is married to a Welshman, Owain and step-mum to Hafsa. She met Owain while travelling around Europe during her exchange programme in Copenhagen Business School in 2004 and they are expecting their 1st bundle of joy in September. Shereen works full-time as the Director of CEMVO Wales. CEMVO’s youngest, and currently only female director, she has secured over £1.5 million in grant funding for various community group. She is also the founder of Swansea Faiths Forum in the immediate aftermath of 7/7 and a founder-director of Europe’s first Jewish-Muslim Internet Radio station. Appointed to several public bodies including, the Welsh Financial Inclusion Steering Group, the National Race Relations Advisory Board for Her Majesty’s Prisons, and the All Wales Convention. She’s the only ethnic minority member on Plaid Cymru’s National Executive Committee, its Fairness Commission and chair of the Equalities Section. In 2009 she won the Uthman Dan Fodio Award for Excellence in Community Development and was shortlisted for the UK Asian Woman of Achievement Award in the Social and Humanitarian category. A true-blue Singaporean, Shereen and her Wales-based Singaporean friends have recently set up a club called 'Makan-Makan Cymrodoriaeth' to indulge in their favourite Singaporean past-time ....eating :)

Kelva

There is always this very slight difference between "punitive discipline" or corporal punishment and abuse. So long as the former does not become a reason for abuse, all should be fine and there is no reason for a ban. After all, a ban may not be welcomed by many.
rodolfo

We all want to be Mr Nice Guy and not have to use the stick.

But the truth is that the stick will always have its place in society. The soft approach works for some. For others, it would take nothing less than the hard approach to get a message through. For most, it is a combination of hard and soft that works best.

I think a total retreat from the rotan is a mistake. I do not wish to see caning of children being outlawed in Singapore. The rotan should not be the first tool of discipline. But it should be one of many available to parents and educators.
Andrew Loh

Esther, a child is not an animal and should not be treated as one. I am disappointed at your analogy.

Guys, I feel that corporal punishment should not even be considered if other avenues have not been fully explored. And I agree with Jeffrey that parents must be the first ones to discipline their child. And if we agree on this, then the schools must work with parents if the kids are "problematic".

Yes, there are "wild" children, especially during their teenage years. But I do not believe that we have to resort to violence to "tame" them, if you will.

I reiterate that the onus is always on the adult. Avail yourself of resources which might help you deal with a problem child. Go to counselling, consult your religious leaders, read books, visit websites, speak to experts, get friends to help with advice, your neighbours perhaps, form a support group with parents facing similar issues, etc etc.

Parents owe it to the kid to do whatever they can to resolve the issues NON-violently.

If the kid is as important to the parents as he/she should be, then parents should not stop looking for help until the issues are resolved.

Picking up the cane without first exhausting all avenues is a cop-out. A lazy solution.
Esther Ng

I'm not a parent, but having a cat for almost 13 years, its somewhat given me an idea of what disciplining a stubborn child might be like.

For Horus, punishment works. Spray him with water to get his attention and to let him know he is misbehaving, and after a while he cringes when he sees a spray bottle and he stops at the open cupboard door. Telling him many times, "Horus, don't go into the cupboard!' just doesn't seem to work.

My moral? Use what you need to do to discipline the child. And yes, i'm for punishment if it works. It worked on me, and i don't think i'm that badly turned out! :)
Jeffrey Ng

@Andrew

Heard about it but have not yet seen it, perhaps i should avail myself to catch at least one epic of it! :)

@Arixion

I broadly agree with you, hence why i disagree with blanket removal of Corporal Punishment, as i feel that sometimes, certain instances still warrant it.

"Soft" approach will work only and only if ( my opinion only ) you already have a great relationship between your charges and yourself, else they might not give two hoots about what you say.

I'm not advocating violence / senseless violence. Even if one were to discipline a child, they must first be made to understand why and where they have done wrong before administration of the punishment.

Of course on a personally level, you also need to have a wonderful relationship with your children else like Andrew mentioned, they might take it as violence instead of correction.

I think that parents have to compliment the schools, its after all their responsibilities to bring up the child right, not discard that responsibility wholesale to the school. So perhaps, discipline should be meted by the parents instead of the school, if the child has erred?

But unfortunately, i think that some parents leave that responsibility to the schools ( maybe they are too busy earning a living, not experience enuff, too loving and spoilt the child etc etc ), rightly or wrongly and the schools' hands are tied in those cases perhaps?

There's no right or wrong in parenthood, just a journey of learning and trying to improve i guess. :)

It's monday, my thoughts are incoherent, lol

Have a great week guys!
Arixion

@Jefferey,

While MOE's actions may look nonsensical, perhaps in this instance they are playing on the safe side. You might recall the incident a few years back where teachers at a school in Pasir Ris attempted something akin to sook-ching - thankfully minus the gunshots - on their students. That incident certainly didn't reflect well on the Ministry, so they are playing safe.

The problem with Corporal Punishment is that it is unclear where to draw the line. You could allow the rotan/cane, and then you could allow slapping and spanking, and then you could allow pulling of ears, and then you could allow a few more *creative* punishments. As a former recipient of such *creative* punishments, I can tell you that the experience is not pleasant.

As Andrew stated also, if violence is the only means of disciplining the child, then the child will fear rather than love. Violence can be preserved, but only as a last resort after ALL OTHER MEANS have been exhausted. Do so, and you will probably find that the child does not need the violence at all.

IMHO, even when violence is necessary, it must be meted out in a restrained fashion.

@Andrew,

Supernanny shows on OKto at 8.00 pm on Sundays (after D-Grayman rereun).
Andrew Loh

By the way, have you guys watched Supernanny before? It was on our channels some time back, I believe.

Here's the website: http://www.supernanny.com/

Supernanny never resorted to physical force to discipline kids.
Andrew Loh

Well, call me a purist but I believe any sort of physical violence (I don't know what else to call it) is not right.

As for discipline masters meting out the physical discipline, I am not sure if discipline masters are trained to use physical violence on kids. Do enlighten me.

Buruff, your example of yourself and your kid is perhaps a little way off (my original example too, as Jeffrey pointed out). You are the parent and you have the right to treat your kid the way you want (within limits of the law, of course).

I do not feel teachers should be allowed to use physical force on kids - for the simple reasons that teachers are not always right (for that matter, neither are discipline masters.) And even if they are always right, I still do not agree to them using physical force.

Keep in mind that we now have very young teachers (many of whom aren't even married, let alone have kids of their own) and also many foreign teachers, teachers from another culture, another background, etc.

I'd rather MOE have regular courses for teachers, by expert counsellors in the field, to provide advice to teachers on how to deal with problem kids.

In any case, how many problem kids do we have? Does MOE keep such stats? Has any study been done - before we resort to an easy cop-out and bring in the cane?
Buruuf

I broadly agree with the article.

Many people in the UK now attribute the growth of 'feral youth culture', complete disrespect for the elderly and prevalent anti-social behaviour (beyond anything that is considered the natural rebelliousness of youth) to the banning of corporal punishment and discipline in schools. Where else (apart from the USA) can you find teachers who are sworn at, spat on and physically attacked by pupils (including cases of rape in the classroom)? Well here in the UK in some schools its par for the course.

Whilst no-one wants to see a return to the Victorian era where children were treated appallingly, Liberalism has swung the pendulum too far and it is inevitable that a future government in the UK will reverse some of the disastrous decisions of previous administrations.

All of us of a certain age remember getting the slipper for bad behaviour in school and no-one I know who received such punishment feels that (A) they didn't deserve it (B) they are psychologically damaged in some way as a result or (C) it taught them that you achieve things through violence.

There are different approaches that work with different kids and not all kids need a smack. For some, one smack is enough to last them their entire childhood as the mere threat of a smack is usually enough to bring bad behaviour to an abrupt halt thereafter. My own child is a case in point, I have only ever used the smack once. Is my child scared of me? Of course, I'm his dad. Is he scared of me all the time? Of course not, but only when he knows he has done something wrong and also knows he is going to get in trouble. Does he love me? I have no doubt of this, and he knows I love him too because I am an affectionate parent not a cold and distant one. Loving parents knowing that being tough with their children is not abuse and in fact a responsible parental duty - correcting bad behaviour before it cannot be controlled, which will lead to problems for the individual who he/she grows up and also for society.

Referring to smacking, which is mild physical chastisement, as 'violence against children' is to completely misunderstand what real child abuse is.
Jeffrey Ng

try firefox, can increase the fonts via browser, cheers!
Jeffrey Ng

@Andrew

lol,

1) I entrust the school to educate the kids, correct them if they are wrong. If the school abuses that trust, they will have to be held responsible. Fortunately in Singapore, nonsensical lawsuits are still not the norm ( aka USA )

2) Very valid point. I think most canings ( at least in my time ) are carried out by an authorised teacher ( the discipline master / mistress ) and not simply by anyone. I entrust the school to make the right choice. ( btw, please note that when i use caning, it can be a metaphor to eg. using a ruler on the palm, etc. Not necessarily a big cane designed to cause max pain )

3) Different people response differently, some to the "soft" approach, some to the "hard" approach, imho.

It's not violence, its called discipline.
There are always consequence if they don't repent when given chances?

I have heard of such "horror" kids who are not afraid of their teachers and defiant of their parents. Perhaps the "soft" approach might work but it will take time?

Perhaps all attention will be spent on that one child and not as much attention could be spent on improving other kids?
Perhaps discipline would restore order, thus enabling energy to be spent on improving all the kids instead?

keke, just my humble opinion

cheers!
Andrew Loh

By the way, can the font size on this blog be made bigger? Quite hard to read a whole chunk of words like that.
Andrew Loh

I do not believe anyone has the right to lay hands on someone else's kids - teachers included.

If we think this is ok, then we'll be in big trouble. (Just think lawsuits, for example.)

And also, not all teachers are equipped with enough life skills or life experiences to handle kids. This is reason number two.

Reason number three is this: It is a simple cop-out to resort to violence.

I am aghast that we're actually considering using violence on kids.

What does that teach kids?
luvmibiz

Parents....always go after the parents....
Jeffrey Ng

I believe in using the cane, when necessary. The "soft" approach might not work for everyone. Which is why i can never understand what MOE is trying to do.

Teachers nowadays are VERY VERY restricted in what they can do with their charges, in terms of discipline. Most of the time, all they can do is ... shout. But how much shouting can one do?

Yes, as Andrew mentioned, communication is important but it's easy if they're your kids, or relatives. You have more than enough quality, personal time to spend with them, hence you can go with the "soft" approach.

You might or might not get that opportunity as a teacher. You have more than 1 or 2 kids seeking your attention.

There are some parents who don't know how to be a good parent, spoil the child and expects the teachers or the school to pick up the pieces.

Often times, the teachers' hands are tied by some nonsensical policy from MOE, probably thought of by someone who has never been on the ground before.

Saddens me to think of how some of our future generation is gonna turn out.

JMHO, i believe in the "soft" approach but coupled with "the cane" whenever it's warranted. Not a wholesale "do away with the cane" approach.

:)
Andrew Loh

There was a time when I would agree with using the rotan. Indeed, I am ashamed to admit that I did with my nieces at one point. And yes, you get them to be obedient, to be frightened of you. To toe the line.

I remember one day, sitting on my own, and reflecting on this: Do my nieces respect me or are they frightened of me instead? And which would I prefer? Which would contribute to a more intimate and trusting relationship?

From that day on, I refused to use the cane.

And my r'ships with my nieces (they're all grown up now) has gone from strength to strength. They still confide in me from time to time.

I am not sure if they would if I had continued using violence on them when they were kids.

One thing I live by is this: As adults, the onus is always - ALWAYS - on us to find better ways of communication with our kids. The onus is never on the kids because, well, they're kids.

Make no mistake. Some kids are a handful, for sure. Still, I feel that adults have to avail themselves of tools to better communicate with kids. The problem, perhaps, is that adults think that just because they've become parents, that they are experts in child-raising. Often, this is not so.

My hope is that more help for parents are made available - through more accessible means to educate themselves of how to handle "troublesome" kids.

Regards,
Andrew Loh

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Spare the ‘rotan’, spoil the child?

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